Last week I tried out the new “Ask Me A Question” function on Insta Stories.
I was sort of reluctant to use it- being that I have never asked anyone a question via the feature, and I figured I probably wouldn’t get many questions in return.
I was partially right: the questions didn’t flood in.
I would be lying if I said I received “SO many of your questions.” Not so much. But I did receive quite a few. And the overwhelming majority of them- besides the one from my husband asking how much I loved him that day- were regarding my fertility, and where we are at in our journey to conceive Baby Number Two.
I’ve sat down to write this post several times, and I’ve walked away nearly each and every one. Not because it’s too personal to share- we past that point long ago. But rather because I quite honestly don’t know where we are at. We're in Trying to Conceive Limbo.
And, truthfully, my relationship with infertility and TTC is almost entirely different today than it was years ago, with Madeline.
The undeniable truth is that when we fought to get MM, there is absolutely nothing we wouldn’t have done to get her.
I would have begged, borrowed, stolen; I tried procedure after procedure, month after month- and I would have tried many, many more. I visited acupuncturists and nutritionists and a myriad of specialists. I quit drinking and missed functions and didn't see too much of some of my friends. And there were absolutely no months off, not one; no rest in between. And, thankfully, after all the IUIs, and appointments and ups and downs, it only took one round of IVF- one miraculous transfer- to get us our girl.
But it’s different this time around.
It has taken us many more than just one transfer. And we are still a family of three.
And while I know we would never have taken a break this early for Baby Number One, I can’t say the same for Number Two.
I wouldn’t say I was stronger back then; or more resilient; or our marriage was better or WE were tougher.
That’s not it.
In many ways we are stronger. And so much more resilient- as parenthood will do to a person.
But we have our girl.
And with every failed round, every negative, every set back I’m more and more grateful for her. Each and every day.
And as much as people might think she is owed a sibling- as much as we think she is owed one- she is owed so much more.
She deserves her parents to be present, and not distracted by whether the next five-figure round of treatments will be worth it.
She deserves an attentive, energetic mother; not one that- once again- is scared to pick her up after a transfer, or is sore from injections.
She needs her mother happy and healthy, and unworried by whether this one will take, or the next one will last more than six days.
She deserves us, the best versions, as much as we deserved her.
And right now, today, IVF complicates that for me; for her; for us.
So I guess the short answer is: we are still tabling it. We are enjoying our summer. Enjoying our girl. Enjoying being a family of three. But there is still a glimmer of trying in the back of our minds. And some day- maybe soon, maybe not- it will shine bright enough through that we won’t be able to ignore it. And then we’ll suit up and try again.
But today is not that day.
Today, I’m thankful for us.
And today, that’s enough for me.