Infertility: A Conversation with My Loved Ones

I think one of the questions I’m most commonly asked is what advice I would give to those facing infertility.

I discuss my own journey with infertility, as well as my advice, and what NOT to say here; but this only gives one side of the story- my perspective, as a woman trying to conceive.

And, in reality, infertility doesn’t just affect one person- it impacts so many loved ones as we soldier on our journey to build a family.

And I realize that many of you might be struggling through a loved one’s infertility- just as my husband, and mother, and best friends did. So I sat down with some of those closest to me, to hear a little about their experience with my infertility and struggles trying to conceive- to see what advice they could offer, and a glimpse into their experience helping a loved one through this process.

From my husband

1. What advice would you give to a husband experiencing infertility with their spouse?

My advice would be to remember that your wife married you for a reason- maybe it’s because you are kind, or understanding; strong or reliable or loving. Try your absolute best to bring out those qualities during this experience.

2. How did you offer support to your wife during your journey TTC?

I was available for whatever she needed-emotionally, physically. And there were times when I just knew to leave her alone, so she could deal internally.

3. Was there anything you found that you should NOT say?

I learned pretty quickly to never say “relax” or “don’t stress.”

4. Anything you said that you felt was helpful?

That we are in this together and you are not alone. We were, and always will be, a team in this journey.

5. What did you learn through your experience TTC?

I learned that no matter what, despite all the highs and lows we would face, at the end of the day we had each other.

From my mom

1. What advice would you give to a mother whose daughter is experiencing infertility? How would you recommend they offer support at this time?

“Don’t Google IVF!!!! And I would tell any mother whose daughter is going through fertility treatments to just listen- offer your shoulder to cry on with zero judgment. And then listen some more. Until she is done talking.

2. How did you offer support to your daughter during her journey TTC?

I told my daughter I was there for her 100%. I was there physically, emotionally and spiritually.

3. Was there anything you found that you should NOT say?

I made the mistake of saying, “it was SO easy for me to get pregnant, I’m sure you will too.” How offensive and hurtful that was of me. How could I compare my reproductive organs to my daughter’s? This was HER experience, not mine.

4. Anything you said that you felt was helpful?

I told her that I loved her no matter what. I was/am so proud of how she navigated the whole infertility process with grace and dignity!

From my best friend

1. What advice would you give to someone whose close friend is facing infertility? How did you offer support to your friend during this time?

I think the most important thing is to listen and be empathetic. As a man I don't have the ability to physically relate to what you were going through, but I knew that the best role I could play for you was to be someone that you could come to and who you knew would be someone that you could share your hope, fear, frustrations, sadness and joys with throughout the entire process. To me, that was the most important thing I could offer you throughout the entire process; and really being there for you emotionally. Sometimes that meant just listening and supporting you, sometimes that meant providing comic relief and taking your mind off of the entire process. But it started with listening and intuitively figuring out how I could best help to support you on any given day.

2. Did you encounter any things that you should NOT say to a friend trying to conceive?

Off the top of my head I don't think I personally ever said or did anything that you didn't react well to (or at least I hope I didn't!), but I think there are a few key things I would say that I learned along the journey of things that one should avoid when supporting a friend through the process:

• You can offer advice if asked, but when it comes to the actual fertility process do not give your unsolicited opinion or advice on what is an extremely complex and individualistic experience. Someone going through IVF is regularly meeting with their doctors and medical advisors, and they don't need any additional unsolicited advice or direction on something that you likely don't understand.

• Bringing up the topic directly or asking about it without your friend bringing it up is something I also wouldn't recommend. If your friend or loved one wants to discuss how the process is going, they will bring it up, but like every human being there are days you want to discuss something and there are days that you don't. You'll get a quick sense by just asking (as all friends do) how they are in general if they want to discuss, and take leads from the conversation and your own intuition.

photo by Julia Dags